Why I Was Procrastinating (who knew?)
Procrastinating. We all do it.
It could be that we dress it up as research, or organising things. Perhaps it shows up as doing things around the house before getting to work. There are SO many ways this sneaks in. And I am not immune!
This blog is really coming from my own awareness of how this has been playing out in my life.
But first a secret. When I sat down to create this, I wanted to share an example that really highlighted what was going on for me without telling you what was actually going on, and I realised that that’s just bullshit.
Part of my commitment to myself in my life and in my business this year is to really release any shame, doubt, guilt, fear, and allow myself to show up with a whole new level of authenticity and a whole new level of truthfulness.
And whilst I don’t believe that, in order to do that, we have to share all of the things, it does feel like if I am going to use something as an example that I should be willing to share the story.
So for those of you who are not aware, I have been separated now from my ex partner for just over two years, two years officially, maybe a little bit less than that from a living situation.
And many, many people have said you should get divorced, you should be divorcing, you should be divorcing. And every time somebody has brought it up, I have said it’s fine. It’s okay. We will deal with it, when we will deal with it, it’s going to happen, but I am not in any hurry to get it organised now.
And he actually brought it up for discussion. And I had a very interesting response. And that response was, I am not available for this conversation right now.
And we have a very, very great co parenting relationship. Both of us have moved on. So it’s not about the desire to still be in the relationship. But the response was that my shutters came down when this conversation was brought to the table by him.
And any time I have a very strong response to something, because of who I am and the nature of what it is that I do, of course there is going to be some self inquiry!
What is that reaction about?
What is going on here?
And actually, when I took a step back, I noticed that this wasn’t only a reaction to what he had brought up. But it was a pattern that I could see showing up in a number of places in my life and in my business. And that pattern was procrastination.
And as soon as I realised that I was sitting on this and sitting on other things I immediately did not feel good about it.
When I think about the vision I have for myself, and when I’m thinking about myself from the highest vantage point, I am somebody who gets shit done. My own slogan is faith plus action for goodness sake!
And when I’m diving deep into it, it’s faith plus aligned action like that is what I do. So why is this procrastination showing up?
Let’s have a look at this example and what is actually going on here. What I realised is that this pattern presents itself when I don’t know what the next step is going to be after I’ve taken the action.
So I know what the next step is but I don’t feel safe when I am not clear on what the next step is after that. And it’s so funny because as an individual, I would say that I am very comfortable with change, I am very comfortable with uncertainty you have to be to create the level of success I’ve had in my business.
Of course, I make and take risky decisions where I am not clear on what the outcome is going to be all of the time, many, many times. And yet, what is very clear, is that when I don’t want to make a decision that there is protection going on, because I’m unsure about what the next step is going to lead to.
And so my safety mechanism, my coping mechanism is to hold on, hold on. Because if I hold on, I don’t have to let go of the full sense of security I have with the knowing of the current situation – I know where I am, I know where I stand, I know what’s going on. I know what is happening right now.
If I take the next step, I don’t know what’s going to happen after then. So I just wait, because what comes after might be scary for me. What waiting does, what sitting on it doe is it enables me to feel in control.
Then I have to think to myself:
How does this fit in with your philosophy for life?
How does this fit in with the principles of infinite receiving, and of course it doesn’t.
Because if I was living into it, what I would know is regardless of what the next step is, and the step that comes after that is that I am being infinitely supported. I am being infinitely supported at all times, I am infinitely supported, even when I don’t feel like I am being infinitely supported.
I’m infinitely supported, even when I feel completely alone and isolated, and like nobody understands me, I am being held.
And the reason is just so powerful, is because if you know that you’re being held, if you know that you cannot fall, if you know that you are going to be guided not just in the next step, but every single step that you take when you bring this level of consciousness and awareness to your life, what the hell is there to be afraid of?
And the answer is nothing.
And of course, because I’m a human being, I am going to feel fear in my life. And that’s normal. And that’s okay. This is not a fear elimination process
But, what level of consciousness do you want to live out your life in?
The one where you are unable to move forward because you’re gripping on so freakin hard to try to control circumstances, people & experiences outside of yourself?
Or do you just want to surrender and let go and know that you’re going to be fully held in all that you do?
I know which I am choosing